Wednesday, July 26, 2006

dependence

it made me feel so dumb.

on sunday i was running the same path i've run near our house for a decade when suddenly i tripped on a sidewalk block that was a bit higher than its neighbor. i think i then took one more step and then landed on my knee, hands, left shoulder, and - most significantly - my head right on the sidewalk in approximately that order.

i lay there for a while self-assessing and then sat up with a bloody cartoonesque bump growing over my left eye. a kind elderly gentleman slowed his car, backed up, rolled down his window and asked, "are you alright?" honestly not sure, I responded, "am i?" "you don't look so good," he informed me. i walked up to his car and looked in his mirror. he was right.

he graciously drove me home and dropped me off. at that moment, beth drove up, looked at me and said, "we're going to the emergency room." we got there, they signed me in and let me know that i was going to get a cat scan. my knee was also banged up so they xrayed that. 3.5 hours later i left seriously bruised, bleeding and banged up but now with word that there was no concussion, no bleeding in the brain, and no broken bones. but i felt (and feel) that i had been hit by a truck and look just a bit like frankenstein (now with a black eye to boot). and - being diabetic - it's done a number on my blood sugar and i'm having to make adjustments to drive that back down.

it's been very humbling and instructive.

we are so dependent.

i went walking today for an hour over the same path i ran and noticed how many sidewalk blocks are higher than their neighbor. after a decade of running i just happened to hit one higher block just right. and i tumbled down.

it's been otherwise a humbing year. we had to put down our dog after it bit someone working on our house (and it wasn't the first time sage had bitten someone). she was the first dog i had ever really bonded with. and - far more significantly - i recently lost one of my best friends, maybe forever - i really don't know.

these and other things have really driven me toward god.

i realized i was doing it again - living by myself - gliding by on strength and passion and gift and intention and busyness and needs and wants and desires and work and projects and fun and fear. some things good - some things bad. but not living by Him, with Him, for Him, to Him. not doing any of that.

and so I turn.


















photo courtesy of jesper markward olsen on stock xchng

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

hey friend, glad to hear you're (physically) OK, and more importantly that you're allowing God to speak through you in all these circumstances.

Shalom,
Steve K.

Anonymous said...

did I just say "through you"? I meant, "... allowing God to speak TO you THROUGH all these circumstances."

(sigh ;-)
Your friend,
Steve K.

djchuang said...

So sorry to hear of your tumble. Heal well! (btw, I often feel stupid for stuff I say or my own occasional missteps, and I don't even have to bleed to empathize :) )

Stephen said...

thank you brothers!!

Anonymous said...

"If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down but the staying down." - Mary Pickford

Stephen said...

i love it!!!

RC said...

wow, good thoughts...

I bet one of the worse parts of the whole thing was that you felt embarassed, embarrassed that you needed to be dependent on someone else and others.

i think that's why people avoid God because it means that they have to acknowledge their dependence and that can be really embarassing.

Stephen said...

I think you're right.